SISILET MANSION

Still basking in the euphoria of being a state beauty queen seven years ago, Ex beauty queen and sassy, sexy, sister, Ikwyn, has revealed plans of staging a three month reality show called “Sisi Mansion”! The reality show in partnership with SAMTv (Sister’s Against Mediocrity Television) Network will have twelve young men between the ages of 21-40 years jostling to beome “The main Koko”.

According to Ikwyn, “My ideal man is tall, dark, handsome, intelligent, homely, caring.....in fact as close in character as my daddy and these qualities the main Koko must posses. We are not looking for qualities of sung heroes but the unsung heroes who sacrificed and encouraged their wives and daughters to attain their fullest potentials!”

As part of the show, the men will be housed in an undisclosed location in Calabar, Nigeria’s # 1 Tourist destination. While in the house, the men will be groomed, they will be required to cook sumptous meals for Ikwyn and her friends, clean and maintain the house and sorroundings, entertain Ikwyn and friends, feed, bathe and babysit the resident baby for atleast fourty eight hours at a stretch in addition to taking Ikwyn out on unusual dates. The men must be tall, dark, handsome, intelligent, have a six pack and a great dress sense. They must exhibit great charm and diplomacy and should be capable of peeing without staining toilet seats!

According to Granilet Luci, the Content Director of SAMTv, the viewers will be the ultimate judge. The men must have the capacity of doing atleast 1000 situps per day and Ikwyn would amonst other things, help the public determine who the winner will be based on their ability to please her.

The winner will take home attractive prices which includes Five million dollars in cash, a Lexus LX 570 Jeep, and a Dimond encrusted Chrys Airs wristwatch. The winner will also be Ikwyn’s official date at all public functions within and outside Nigeria and feature in Ikwyn’s, yet to be produced song, “Ol boy, you don make me fall in love”.

SEXY GONE STALE

Met a guy from my university days at the traditional marriage of my friend and we got reminiscing about our university days. The guy reminded me how hot, sexy and in demand I was back in the days and how much I used to “form”. For my benefit and the benefit of my ego, I totally believe I was smoking HOT & SEXY back then. Don’t believe the “forming” part but I know that I wasn’t interested in university socials and boys.

I remember how this very same friend (whose wedding I attended) and i used to take at least one picture every week all through our first year. We were two very beautiful girls and our pictures always turned out great. It got to the point where some photographers knew us so well that they sometimes took our pictures for free. Those were back in the days.

All through my four-year degree programme, I had a blast. I thought I had the world all figured out and was going to monitor it from my palm. I had a handsome, rich boyfriend to complement me and was crazy in love with him. When the relationship did not work out, there was another rich, handsome one, crazy in love with me to take his place. Even when I wrote my degree exams, there was not a cloud in my skies. When my classmates and I took pictures after our last paper, my smiles were wide and bright. I saw myself going ahead to conquer the world laughing all the way. When people told me I was yet to see the real world, I was like “Puluuzz! How much more real can it get?!”

As if on cue, right after my degree exams, I did face the real world. After one week of knowing I did not have to read any books, I started asking “what next?” I got involved in a business that had a tidy return. That got me to realize that I needed more than a dazzling smile to get people to buy what I was selling. Things got better (some might say), when my friend helped me get a job in Lagos. I wasn’t going for my National youth service that year so that was more than cool. I started working earning what I thought was plenty of money. By the time I paid my bills, I realized that you could never earn plenty of money working for somebody. Plus, I had to wake early every morning and sit in traffic for God- knows how long before I got to work.

Cutting the long story short, my dazzling smile became less frequent and I completely forgot how to poise and be sexy after two years of working. The university bombshell was gone and in her place was a woman who wanted comfort, a little peace and plenty of sleep. When I look back at how far I’ve come, I can’t believe how fast the years have flown and how much my priorities have changed. This year, the only resolution I’m making is that come rain or sun, Lagos wahala or not, I’m getting my sexy vavavoom back!

COUNTING MY BLESSINGS

Year 2008 is coming to an end. Another time to take stock of the year. For us, amateur writers, we always look for an opportunity to put pen to paper or (in this case) fingers to a key board.

For me, 2008 was eventful. Not all bad, not all good but not right in the middle either for it was more good than bad. Looking beyond the fact that I was flat out broke for a greater part of the year, it was a good year. Yep! Broke ass n all but God saw me through

This year was one of those that you look back and say “Yes. God was exceptionally good to me”. Just like the previous year (and the year before that, and the year before that and ...) Enough of the tom foolery. Sharing my testimony with you, this year started on a very good note. I met an amazing, absolutely wonderful guy I had a crush on many light years ago. Only that, this time, post-crush-now-woman phase, the guy finally took notice of me and he became the BF. I also got a new “sister”, Lucy Liu, who completed the “CharlieFrancis’ Angel” trio. Quarreled with my other angel, “Drew Barrymore”. Yep! Even that was a blessing. More than one year of living together and not an angry word exchanged between us, we had started to take each other for granted. The quarrel brought us back to earth, made us closer and made me realize that if I walked alone, I would never know I was flashing my pink and white panties for the world to see!

I successfully completed the one year mandatory youth service I waited 18 months to start, and that was with a huge sigh of relief cuz I came soooooo close to having an extension. My first son (originally my nephew) started secondary school as boarder (how fast they grow!) and my two amazing younger brother finished their secondary school education making their papers in one sitting. My sister and BF got the kind of jobs they wanted (whew!), my best friend from back in the days became a doctor (another whew!), and got engaged, another friend from back in the day also became a doctor and my mentor of the CharlieFrancis fame got posted to Houston to join his family. My mother’s organization got the long anticipated push and I found a mentor in my boss.

An old friendship that once meant the world to me got rejuvenated without the initial complications, my friend gave birth to a dark and handsome, baby boy and another close friend’s wife gave birth to another dark and handsome baby boy ( The choices for my daughter widens!).

A close friend got a scholarship to do her masters in the UK and constants (friends who’ve got your back 24/7 52/365) like Spam, Steve, Nj and Ij still got my back despite my awful communication habit. My family’s still intact (as it goes), healthy and talking to me despite my awful habits (again!). A number of my friends found their soulmates, walked down the aisle and said i do and I discovered my love and major distraction of all time, FACEBOOK! So yes, I do have every reason to thank God!

Celebriwhat?!

I was watching a "Hip Hop World" programme on STV yesterday and in one of their segments, they asked Nigerian celebrities (musicians mostly) who Nigeria's president was before 1960. And of course all but three out of almost twenty (give or take) got it wrong. The sad thing for me was not that they got it wrong but the attitude of nonchalance exhibited by most. One of the female musicians (name withheld) who got it wrong was even jubilating that she knew the answer after giving a very silly, off the cuff reply. I couldn't help but ask myself why they sang so many negative things about the standard of living in Nigeria, when they know nothing about where we've come from. Don't get me wrong. Am not saying the standard of living is worth celebrating anything for but if these people who sang about the evils in society do not know the basics about Nigeria, how then can they contribute to move it forward?

I am one of those people who believe that for us to move our country forward, we have to know our past. What we did right and wrong so we do not make the same mistakes again, now or sometime in the future. That basically is our problem. There is no culture of documentation amongst us as a people and even the few records we have are left for the rats and cockroaches to digest because Nigerians are just not interested in records. That's why we keep making the same mistakes and going round in circles thinking we are taking huge steps forward!

I was so grateful that my ten year old nephew was away in boarding house and would not be watching the program. How do i explain to a ten year old impressionable child that history about his country is important for him to know when the celebrities he admires do not know theirs? Old soul that i am, i miss the good ol' days when the men and women that entertained us were knowledgeable and educated us with their music. That is what made and continues to make Fela famous because his songs are lessons in history and history's like good wine. It only gets better with age!

By the way, Felabration is next week. Join me in celebrating Fela Anikulapo-Kuti, a Nigerian music icon who was "no gentleman at all"!!

Nigeria we hail thee?

Friday, 26th of September would have been a day like any other. Twas same ol, same ol. Went to work, did the usual, end of the day, headed home..Now that's where same ol', same ol' ended. I entered one of the mass transit buses (thankfully, not a "molue" but a "BRT") to CMS, where i was to board another bus to Ajah.

Between Leventis and CMS there are three "Ajah parks" where you could board a bus to Ajah (of course!). When i noticed there were no buses in Leventis, i continued on to Ajah. That should have set off my trouble alarm but i did not find it unsual. At CMS, there were no buses at the first park i went to but even that did not get me worried. After all, it was a minor park. I proceeded to the Major park to board a bus. I heaved a sigh of relief when i noticed that the park was filled with Ajah bound buses. However, my relief soon turned to grief when i noticed that there were very many passengers obviously going to Ajah and that the buses were just not loading. Many people asked what the problem was but nobody got any answers. As God would have it, it started raining. That only made matters worse. Uncomfortable and dirty! The few buses that came in with passengers from Ajah were besieged with passengers jostling to enter the bus even before the passengers in the bus could disembark. It was a crazy, jungle experience. If you've ever waited for a bus where there is a crowd in Lagos, you know how it is. People struggled to enter the bus from the boot, windows and of course, doors.

I was hopeful. I believed that the crowd will gradually thin out and the buses would eventually come. But in CMS, that never happens. The crowd kept growing and everytime a bus came, it was the same struggle. By this time, the bus drivers had hiked the price from N150 to N200 without any explanations. After two hours of waiting and walking up and down in search for a bus, i decided to board one going to Obalende. At Obalende, it was the same thing.Plenty of passengers, no bus. Plenty of rains and dirt everywhere. At some point, i broke into tears. I asked myself what i was doing there? Why did i live the cleanliness and comfort of Calabar to suffer in Lagos. Why did i not have a car? Why was i a Nigerian? Why could Nigeria not boast of a functional transportation system that did not depend on the wheather? Why could the government not utilise the water bodies within Lagos State? Fortunately, i did not have to wait so long in Obalende.

Getting to Ajah was another story. Getting home was the part three of my Nigerian movie. I entered my house at a quater to eleven. Cursing Nigeria and all the people who have been and are at the helm of affairs and do nothing. Accepted, i may curse some uncle or aunt close or distant but then, i don't give a hoot!

I listened to bits of Yar'Adua's lack lustre independence day speech where he reeled off inflation and GDP figures saying things had gotten better. Of course he can say that. He wasn't waiting two hours in the rain on Friday evening!!!

MOLUE TENDENCIES

Any true Naija person would wake from deep slumber know what a "Molue" is. But for those who don't, Molues are big, old yellow scraps of metal that were once buses but are now just metal contraptions that are not even fit to be called an automobile. Motor, mmm...yes but definately not an automobile. Anyway, Molues are a trademark of Lagos State and are only found on Lagos mainland ( A tourist attraction, if you ask me). The buses on the island small and yellow (Danfo), the big ones are comparatively new and are painted in red, blue or the lagos state colour hence can not be classified as a molue). Apart from its colour, age and number of dents on its body, one of the characteristic of the Molue is that the fares are mega cheap and as such hyper cramped. Getting into a molue bus is a test of ones acrobatic skills. You have to be mentally and physically fit to enter one. The steps for entering a Molue are as follows:

Step one- Find your self at any one of Lagos' many bus stops on the mainland.(on your marks....)

Step two- Look ot for a Molue(get set...)

Step three- Prepare your mind for some acrobatics (Ready...)

Step four- Molue comes close, slows down without stopping, you run after it, (pushing three fat women infront of you and be pushed by two fat women and one man behind you), and jump into the bus (....GO!!)
Did you enter the bus? Did you sustain any injuries( Most likely), Did you have fun?.......

Now that's that for bus hopping. The thing with Molues, you must struggle, you must run and you must jump. I have noticed that most Lagosians have what i call "Molue tendencies". Irrespective of class, status or breeding, our molue tendency comes to us naturally.

Scene one A: You are flying from Nigeria to Dubai( a very common route). In Dubai, everybody waits for the plane to camoe to a halt and Nigerians, Asians and Europeans alike stretch lazily and are not in a hurry to leave the plane. People come off the plane without any rush, into a waiting bus and are driven off the tarmac.

Scene One B: You are flying from Dubai to Lagos. Before the air hostess finishes her announcement, you hear the familiar tone of Nokia phones being turned on from every side of the plane. Passengers start calling and before the plane comes to a halt, 98% of passengers are already standing. Once the exit is opened, there is a mad rush for the door, in the end, everybody meets themselves at the immigration counter. Why did we struggle out of the plane in the first place?

Scene Two: There is no traffic on the road. There is no sign that there was traffic AND there is no sign that there will be traffic yet "driver" is speding like his life depended on driving 120km/hr within the town. You ask yourself why, for pete's sake is the bugger speeding?

Scene three:... Enough of mine. You share your own "Molue mentality"experience!

The Bakassi Issue

My apologies to my small number of ardent readers for my 4 weeks leave without notice from blogsville. That's what work does sometimes. Am back, never to go away for so long! (i hope...)

I had a conversation with my mentor and his friend over the weekend. You know how gist dey bring gist. We talked and talked until we talked about Nigeria and the Bakassi issue. That conversation made me realise how misinformed many Nigerians (including yours truly) are. Most of our information are gottens from others who are just as misinformed as we are. Nigeria handed over Bakassi to Cameroun on the 14th of August,2008. Many Nigerians spoke against it and asked Yar'Adua not to proceed with the ICJ ruling of October, 2002. I was happy that the Bakassi issue was one people from different parts of Nigeria spoke out against. It was not a case of it not being "in my region" and as such, not concerning "me". Now post handover, i think that for information sake, there are several questions we should ask to make informed decisions about the Bakassi issue and hate Yar'Adua less. The first of such questions is:

1) What is Bakassi and where is it?
Bakassi is a 1 000+sq km peninsula located at the SE end of the gulf of guinea. The oil rich area is off the Calabar coast and has controlling access into the Calabar port. It is at the border of Nigeria and Cameroun.

2) Why did the ICJ hand over Bakassi to Cameroun?
Myth 1: One myth making the rounds is that during the civil war, Nigerian soldiers needed to cut of Biafran soldiers from their ammunition supply which was coming in through the coastal waters of Cross River state. Because they could not get across the soldiers on the other side of the Onitsha bridge, they went through Cameroun to sorround the troops at Bakassi. Because carrying ammunition and troops into another country was a security risk to that country (Cameroun), Nigeria agreed to sign off Bakassi to Cameroun. This sounds far fetched to me now but initially, i believed this myth and even passed it on as te reason why the ICJ ruled against Nigeria.
Fact: The fact behind the ICJ ruling is that the ruling was based on the 1913 Anglo-German agreement that defined the borders of those (Britain and Germany) nations colonies (Nigeria and Cameroun).

3) Why did Nigeria proceed with the ICJ ruling inspite of the injuction at the Abuja high court?
The International Court of Justice (ICJ)'s ruling superceeds any ruling made within a country. As such, Nigeria could not heed to the Abuja court ruling because it would have been a case of disrespecting your "father" because of your "elder brother".

Enough of facts, Myths and fictions. Personally, i believe Bakassi should have been left to Nigeria. My view is not based on the natural resources available in Bakassi in form of Crude oil and it is not even because giving out Bakassi posses a security threat to the Nigerian State but because of the people involved. 99 percent of its inhabitants belong to the Efik tribe of Cross River State. They have lived in Bakassi all their lives and they know and understand nothing about Britain giving out their land to the Germans who occupied Cameroun at the time. What they know is that they were born there and so were their parents and their parents parents before them. What they know is that they've worked the soil for food and searched the water for fish. How then can the ICJ come to say it is not their land? How can they give the land to the very country whose soldiers terrorised them? Shot their sons and raped their daugthers? How can they stay on? What the ICJ did is an infringement on the basic human rights of a group of people. The law is made to protect the people not exploit and sacrifice them at the altar of facts.
The ICJ should visit the resettlement camp of the Bakassi people in Akpabuyo. In their father land, they have become refugees. Living in squalor because their land was sacrificed. Men who were respectable fishermen with four, five boats have become beggers with nothing to their name. The federal government seemed more concerned with their foreign image than the welfare of their people. Since 2004, when Nigeria began the gradual handing over of Bakassi to Cameroun, what has the government done to ensure that the displaced people are properly resettled.
I left Unlcle Francis' house thinking "Our colonial masters have exploited us and still do but we are the greatest exploiters of ourselves!"